Audre Lord said, "there are no new ideas." This idea is rarely more depressing than when reading about the brilliant new ideas Hollywood has for re-using old ideas.

When Iron Man blew the roof off two weeks ago, the big story was how its opening was the second-highest grossing opening weekend ever for a non-sequel. Second-highest for a non-sequel. But only 10th highest including sequels.

I hate to sound like one of those old guys talking about how much better movies were in the 70s. I grew up on 70s movies, and several of my all-time favorites were made then. But I don’t believe movies were better then. What I know to be true is that Hollywood produced more big movies in the 70s based on original ideas. Originality, it seems, is now relegated to the indies. And Pixar. Thank god for those guys.

Some quick facts. From 2000 to 2007, 5 of the top 10 grossing films each year were sequels. 7 of 10 if you include remakes and other derivative works. In 2007, 5 of the top 10 grossing films were third installments (or beyond). Compare that to the 70s: an average of 1 of the top 10 grossers each year was a sequel.

I have a minor obsession with each new grotesque idea to re-do something that’s already been done. I gag at least once a week as Variety reports the latest innovation in re-packaging. And as a result, I read with great schadenfreude every story on the trainwreck that is Speed Racer.

So today was a twofer. First, we get the news that Nic Cage will star in a re-make of The Bad Lieutenant. Sure, it’s Herzog, but this is not a movie that needs to be re-made. And while Cage can cling to former cred from Leaving Las Vegas, Harvey Keitel he is not. When I sent this link to a friend (who wishes to remain anonymous), he replied:

this movie was shit the moment somebody said, ‘hey, let’s remake the bad LT.’ so now, forget about remaking movies from the 50s, 60s, or 70s, they’re remaking movies from the 90s! I got a better idea - how about remaking iron man! Hollywood sucks.

So that’s one. But the virtual ink was barely dry on that story before we got this gem from Cannes: Jan de Bont is bringing his fresh and original perspective to the parachuting-ex-president-mask-wearing-surfer-bank-robber classic Point Break - only this time in Indonesia. I really wish I could make stuff like this up, but it’s all true. Ok, at least that was an original idea when it was first done (I would love to have been in the pitch meeting for that one).

I’ll spare you my thoughts on this, since my aforementioned friend summed it up so eloquently:

Maybe as an act of revenge kathryn bigelow should remake speed, starring jamie fox and jessica Simpson. Come to think of it, they should just remake it with keanu and sandra bullock, directed by Brett ratner, but they should invent a funny role for a wisecracking black guy, and offer it to chris tucker. Maybe they should get jackie chan in there as well, and after brett ratner directs it they should have peter berg reshoot the whole thing, and then john favreau will recut it, and then they should bring in michael bay in post, just to give it that ‘michael bay feel.’ I smell a franchise - a new one, different from the old franchise.

Amen, brother.